A Letter to my Dearest Little Brother
August 2014, life as I knew it would never be the same. I’d be lying to you if I said I was thrilled about your arrival because truth be told I was not… I was 17 years old and my title as the baby of the family was about to be ripped from my hands — or at least that’s how 17-year-old-Amy felt.
To briefly fill you in so you understand better, when mom told me she was pregnant, I was finishing up senior year in high school and had just gotten accepted into my top school; after the news, I was angry and full of resentment at mom, and at you. As the months went by, I started to accept the idea that I was no longer the “baby” of the family and started coming around to the idea of having a baby brother.
Fast forward to the day you entered this side of the world, the moment I carried you in my arms and saw your sweet tender face, my heart felt a jolt and it was all so official, I was a big sister. Suddenly I felt feelings I had never felt before — feelings I didn’t understand or recognize. Born 18 years apart, I was technically old enough to be your mom but the love I had for you was different than a motherly love, you gave me the title of big sister and that is the greatest love I’ve known to this day. I have this innate feeling to protect you and guide you. I want to see you succeed and I believe in you more than I believe in myself on most days. I’m here to be your biggest support and your #1 fan. I want to give you the experiences I wish I had as a child and I want to pass down the lessons I’ve learned without you having to “learn the hard way” like many before you. I want to heal the generational trauma before it gets to you. I want you to be the truest YOU, you can be and know that I will always accept you and love every bit of you. I want to instill so much love, positivity, strength, and confidence in you that it just radiates through you for the world to see. I hope you know the world is yours. I hope you know I’m your best friend for life. Your sissy for life.
You see Sam, before you, I never wanted children. EVER. The thought alone of me having a child used to make me nauseous but then came you. You changed it all. Watching you grow for the past 7 years into your own little person, has helped me experience the wonderful things that children bring to our lives. I used to think having kids meant that life was over but boy was I wrong. Children give your life a new meaning, they add purpose and give us a reason to live more, to truly enjoy life more. You’re not my child, but you make me want to be a better person. You help me be more patient and you’re patient with me when I lose my patience. You have the kindest and most forgiving soul. One of the most precious things about children is their innocence, they don’t have any wounds from the world and they see only good. I want to be better for you so that you remain kind-hearted and the light inside of you never goes out. You’re not my child, but being your big sissy has shown me a new love I never knew I was capable of having and I know you’re helping me prepare for one day having a child of my own. I can only hope that my child is anything like you but I especially hope that my child never stops blowing me kisses the way you blow me kisses and tell me you love me. You’re the most purest and genuine love I’ve ever known.
Everyone used to tell me that one day a man would enter my life and change my mind about wanting children. I used to laugh or get upset when people said this to me so I’d quickly shut them down and tell them how wrong they were. Turns out, we were both wrong. One day a man did come in to my life but it wasn’t the “Mr. Right” everyone raved about, it was a little man who came to be my baby brother. You were not anything I ever expected, but you are everything I ever needed. I hope one day you realize how special you are to me.
Sincerely,
Sissy
